To my Lockdown Lovers

A student asked me to publish this letter he composed for the four “babes” he was “toasting” during the Lockdown period. Enjoy and share :) Names are abbreviated to protect the identities of the individuals -> Comment that was part of original article.

I wrote this because I felt some-typa-way about the romantic interactions I had that summer. But none of these people are real and these are not my thoughts. generally. Bear with me - it’s super cringe 🙏🏽.

You are probably wondering why I gathered you all on this A4, “who writes letters?” Serious people write letters NC and I am serious tonight. “You could’ve sent me a snap” yes HAH I could have but this is more dramatic and some drama is good. School is resuming soon so I need to settle with all of you. I want to use this opportunity to tell you how I really feel.

You don’t know each other but I knew all of you. I wasted my time with you this lockdown and I need to forgive myself “Jesus has already forgiven you” wtf TA not now. I could’ve started working on my SDP or maybe learned web design, my guy, Emma was supposed to teach me. Instead, I let my emotions get the best of me while I got the worst of you. Chei. Is it my fault I have urges? “That doesn’t make sense, so you absolve yourself of responsibility for your urges bla bla bla” I don hear you AB, I don hear you.

To AB:

I have a weakness for strong independent women. You had no problem sharing a cab with me from the airport. You even carried your own suitcase like Wonder Woman. But why did you ignore me that night we got back home? Is it not normal to text you: are you back?? Damn manners tho. Abuja girls actually don’t have manners, unlike Lagos babes. Or is it the feminist thing you are always on about? That has been your dp for months… haba. Is that guy your brother? Probably, because you don’t seem like the type to be muffled by the constraints of a conventional relationship structure. That’s why when we started chatting after you eventually replied “oh, just seeing this”, we never talked about your love life. Even though you were all the love in my life then.

AB I am glad that you cared enough about me to ask to post your small-chops catering business flyer. You didn’t appreciate my joke about women belonging in the kitchen, though I felt it was appropriate given the context.

You dey try sha, honestly, you are the only one of these girls that make me feel more intimidated than normal. You woulda made a great housewife lol. The irony shey?? I think we would’ve been great together. Remember recently you put #EndSARS on your status I also put it to signal social consciousness. I “educated myself on the issue” as you said. Tbh idc much about the SARS stuff. Like, it is all these Yahoo boys that are causing this, spoiling our image and all that.

Anyway, that time I asked you about your primary school it was so you opened up to me a little bit. It’s like you avoid all that personal stuff. Everything is impersonal for you. Are you trying to not be vulnerable? Someone told me you had a rough childhood. Sorry. I respect and admire you, maybe we’re not ready for each other, soon sha.

To NC:

“have you finished that assignment” every time. I did it since sef and submitted but I didn’t want to tell you so we will keep talking :). You were the first AUN babe to text me unprovoked. You even collected my number. Wow, I fell in love instantly. Someone in our class groupchat said you were just using me for marks. It’s true but I’m also using you for companionship. Let me tell you now you are not fine and you are razz. Why are you still doing duck-face in your pictures just stop. I can talk to you like this because I feel superior and I know you will still ask for assignment olodo. But I like you sha, and I think you were starting to like me too because you wished me happy birthday aww. Thanks.

Recently like around August we began texting constantly, is it because school is close? Sorry I had to start ignoring you, I watched a YT video that said that’s how to make girls want you. But you don’t give those vibes as before what happened? I shouldn’t be sending you; you are fat and have craw-craw on your face plus you watch anime, you’re such a degenerate. But I am lonely and desperate. Anyway, you won’t see me this semester to ask for assignment. Go and read.

I fear that you will glow up later so that’s why I am not cutting you off completely, just in case :). Do something about your teeth jeez. I miss you small sha.

To HAH:

I have a hijab fetish. You are the object of my most intense sexual desires, I imagine us, you know… doing it. Wow, so hot. Thank God we did AUN 101 together and I collected your number then when you weren’t a popping babe and became scarce. Someone said you suck a different d-ck every Friday. Why do you see me as a small boy? Yeah, I don’t have a Benz but I have facial hair wassup? You hug other guys but you just gimme chop knuckle. Are you wicked?!

Yeah I know you’re “not rly actv ere” but surely you have some free time (when you’re gasping for breath) to reply me :/ Glad you gave me your Snapchat kini without me asking, too bad I don’t have data for that. I use an Android. Sorry your grandma passed away may she rip. I wanted to tell you how I felt that day we were going home but you didn’t come to class as usual and I was angry sef. Since that evening I sent Happy Salah lol around April you have not replied, not even “tnks”. When we were in school at least we used to greet each other now you don’t remember me; I’m that guy that wears one grey NY cap in your GEN class.

I don’t have much to tell you I think you have a lot of potentials, you told me once you wanted to be an actress but your parents forced this medicine thing on you. Maybe that’s why you are always looking for excitement. When I see you I get excited. I just want to lift that veil in an unholy way. I love your hair, SO natural. I know I can never fit your spec. I don’t play basketball, just football with the boys and I’m not a f-cking Hausa boy. Not to be tribalist #OneNigeria but you are obviously biased. Waka shege banza.

To TA:

You, you’re just mad. I know you are playing with me. All you NDCF execs are like that: sheep in wolf clothing. Or wolf in sheep clothing idk whatever. Your voice is not “angelic” or “wonderful” I don’t know why they let you sing, it’s because they’re afraid of you. Eye service. You make me lie so much cuz I know you are fragile, God forgive me. You are pretty yes, you even get body but like you have no personality. You say the most important things in your life are “friends, family and faith” stop disguising you just a basic b. Do you preach to me so you tell God you are winning souls? Sometimes you’re hot and sometimes you’re cold, sometimes you’re such a good girl sometimes you’re such a -. I’m confused.

I liked our convos sha, at least you didn’t keep me on read. I was starting to think my charm was working on you. You laughed at my jokes even the dirty ones and used the water droplets emoji before. That got me excited so I decided to dive in.

So sorry you had to see my blockos without asking but I wanted to check if you were feeling me like that I couldn’t just ask, what if you said no?? At least now I know you want nothing to do with me. Even though you blocked me on Whatsapp you can’t block this letter hahaha. Praise the LORD. Before I go I want to plead with you to delete that picture. Please please please in the name of God and our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ don’t tell anyone what I did please, especially GA abeg. Now let’s say The Beautitudes.

This is 100% fictional btw.

Shoutout to Yvonnski for her assistance x

Emmanuel Segun-Lean
for Stallion:Review 🐴 💛 🖤