13 October 2020

How to waste a semester

cover image

I wrote this because I was feeling preachy and it’s something I have done before lol. Same a!

Are you planning to waste this upcoming semester? Do you tire from regimental school life? Are you just stupid? THIS IS FOR YOU! I must admit am (*I’m yes but I want you to cringe) not an expert on this topic but I have wasted many things before so I should know a thing or two.

School, in whichever form it takes, is set to reopen on the 18th of October, classes will start on the 26th. We all read the email I hope. But actually, if you are planning on yeeting next semester you probably didn’t :)

We have started booking flights, course registration has closed sef, people are planning. How refreshing. After months of lockdown anxiety and post-lockdown uncertainty, we are going back to AUN. Everyone seems relieved to finally be back to books and academic stuff, idiots I know. sChOol nA ScAm they’ve forgotten. People have told us not to waste time but no one has told us how to waste time. Not even in an easily digestible form like this (You’re welcome btw). Here is what you do:

1. Act as if everything is like before
The first way to just panji through these upcoming 4 months is to think everything is just like before. “Normal”. If you think like this you will find it easy to not adjust to the changes and unconsciously or consciously fight the system. Perfect. This semester is not normal at all, we didn’t properly finish the last one so its deffs going to be rushed. Law Students are resuming 18th and are writing exam 19th. Omo. But why should you also try to catch up? Nah, continue at your regular pace.

2. Over-register or under-register for courses
Credit-hours are expensive, but if you can afford it and think you can handle the load when you obviously can’t handle it, go for it. That way you put yourself in a position to have a lot on your plate more than you can chew. On the corollary, if you can afford it but decide not to take enough courses then that’s good too. Just register for 3 gen eds and cruise through.

3. Join all the clubs
I don’t think there’s a limit to club-joining so join all! At the end of the semester, you will look back and be glad you joined that worthless bead-making club. Nothing is a legitimate time-waster like unnecessary extra-curricular shit. Join all the clubs, attend all the meetings, don’t slack unless you are slacking academically then you should slack.

4. Complain about the new instructors
Indians amirite??? Every class you go to with a new instructor just block your mind. Don’t listen to what they are saying. You prefer the last guy anyway, who dis? Without focusing on the class itself and what is being taught you won’t learn much and therefore will waste the semester. Oshey.

5. Expect a “triumphant entry” back to Yola
Thank you for your service brave soldier, you gallantly stayed home during this lockdown and fought off la Corona. Now you’re back and deserve all the praise and adulation. We must welcome you properly with parties and revelry, we must sacrifice to the gods of enjoyment for keeping you safe just so you could “RAVE” at Azurri. Praise be, Praise be. A lot of time and energy is wasted throwing or attending worthless raves. So why not have them every f-cking week? No problem. You started calling yourself a “Stoic”; life is full of suffering anyway so enjoy enjoy.

6. Stop all the good things you picked up during Lockdown If you followed our last series “What I’ve Been Up To” you would notice that many students actually gained skills or got new hobbies but they also complained about house chores taking their time. Now that we’re at school, it will be a prudent use of time to improve those skills and explore more of those interests, so don’t do that. Throw everything away and blame it on “change of environment”. Hey you started working out shey? Stop. You stopped wanking 3 times a day? More of that.

7. Constantly put yourself in a position to be stressed
You stress when things are out of control. Stress takes your time, prevents you from doing productive work, makes you tired. Sounds perfect. You want more of that, more stress. When you’re unprepared, CA is low, midterms are next week, and don’t know what to do you will be stressed. So stressed you can’t even do anything again, this is called Threat Lockdown. That’s exactly what you want, so procrastinate more, don’t start preparing early, don’t prepare at all sef see how much time you will waste. F-ck shit up you gat this.

8. Don’t set your priorities straight
Don’t ask yourself why you even registered in the first place. Just vibe your way through. It’s not you that is paying so na dem sabi. You don’t even like your major. When you don’t define what’s important and what is not early on in the semester omo e go hard to focus. But if you don’t do this it will be easy to lose focus from the first week. More time to #chill.

9. Be around people that are also wasting their semester
Remember the Law of Association; you are the average of the people you spend most of your time with. You don’t want to spend your time with people that motivate you, hold you accountable, and are also not wasting their time. No. You want to be around useless people. Try it for one week, you’ll be amazed at the results. Look out for people that are honest and sincere, that want the best for you and not just vibes 24/7 and AVOID them. Iyama. They can easily rub off their positive traits on you, you might even start caring about your classes, tufia.

These are not all but the few points should do. Remember that your goal is to waste your semester, not do anything productive, and carry-on the lockdown vibes. Anything that makes you less hedonistic is not your friend. Let me add that it also helps to not think about the future: 5 months, 5 years from now. If you start considering the results of your actions or inactions you wouldn’t want to waste a whole 4 months’ worth of money. And that’s what you want to do! #focus

Emmanuel Segun-Lean
for Stallion:Review 🐴 💛 🖤

See other posts